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It takes courage.

I have lived a crazy life.
I don’t have tales of great love
I haven’t experienced much of the lighter side of life.
I don’t have stories of all the places in the world that I have traveled.

But I have run through the darkened depths of despair that is the streets of addiction and I have survived.

I can share stories of the insane lifestyle that is drug addiction.
I can share stories of my struggles of getting clean.
I can tell tales of the inept social welfare system.
I can share about the misfortunes of life that have helped form, shape and mold me into the woman I am today.

I can share of the courage it takes to be exactly who I am.

Of all the situations and circumstances I have walked upon and through in this path of my life, the common thread of experience that runs through them all is the struggle I encounter with allowing myself to be exactly who I am.

With no explanations.

Every time I think I have come to some level of acceptance of who I am…I discover that there is always more to be revealed in relation to the continued process of me becoming more.

So many of you know that as of late I have met a “boy”. I wasn’t looking for someone and in fact I was pretty darn comfortable in my own life without anyone. For the first time in my entire life I was being true to myself, working towards a life for myself, taking the necessary steps to build a life for me by me.

Then love shows up with mental flowers.

Suddenly I am distracted….

Can’t find the inspiration to write.
My thoughts are occupied with him……

I’m wondering if he’s gonna call, should I call him, what if I’m just a rebound, what if I fall for him, what happens if he decides he doesn’t like me, do I want to really put myself out there, I wonder what he is doing right now, is he gonna be a cheat, is he a liar, is he full of shit, am I full of shit, do I really like this guy, am I just kidding myself, maybe I’m just thinking I like him, how come I feel scared, I wanna run away, maybe I should call my ex-boyfriend just to say hello, does he really like me, I wonder if he’s home yet, should I answer my phone if he calls, should I play hard to get, is he playing hard to get, should I be honest with my feelings, should I just play it cool…….

My mind had become flooded with the bad experiences of my past boyfriends wrestling with my hopes of a present a future free from their past negative influence. In the end all that was occurring in my mind was simply a methods of distraction that was creating a knot of frustration in my gut.

A knot that was choking the life out of me….and cutting me off from my sense of self.

The knot of fear that tells me I am not okay.
The knot of fear that tells me I am not good enough.
the knot of fear that tells me I am not worthy
The knot of fear that tells me I don’t deserve love.

I say “Fuck that”

I have allowed my mismanaged emotions to dictate my behavior for years. It never brought me closer to me, my dreams, the life I wanted. All they did was keep me locked up inside my mind…..afraid, lost and lonely.

So what if I fall deeply madly in love with this person and he doesn’t feel the same.
So what if I put myself out there and get rejected.

So WHAT……..

I would rather be me and know that I did my best to show up for life and the opportunities it presented to me then to wander in the regrets of “What if” for the rest of my life. I would rather relish in the comfort and strength of knowing that no matter what happens in this life…..

…..I had the courage to be me.

…………..

If you liked this post you might also enjoy…

~The Process of Becoming

~Who am I???

~The Threads of Understanding

~Doorway of the Mind (Open-mindedness)

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This entry was written by mighty and posted on December 6, 2007 at 10:58 am and filed under Beliefs, living. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment(Latest is displayed first) or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

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13 Comments so far (Add 1 more)

  1. Greetings. I’ve been clicking on Sibbia’s blogroll today and have begun to found some great places! What a wonderful piece you wrote, it sounded like the inside of my brain at times. Then the strength, saying stop, you’re not going to mismanage yourself….very strong and emotional and real writing. I enjoy the reminder, we are in the driver’s seat after all.

    Peace.

    Hey Surface Earth and welcome to the site! Thanks for your generous comments and encouragement…as you wrote “WE are in the driver’s seat” …..how true ….how true!

    1. Surface Earth on December 18th, 2007 at 3:03 pm

  2. So what indeed? It may hurt like hell either way but we’re survivors. And not just survivors, people who live! I never liked the word survivor for certain things. As if the aftermath was something that left you broken and in a heap, that’s the way most people think of the word. All of what you feel is wonderful, and now you’re open to the reality that you’re stronger than both your fear AND rejection. That’s a beautiful thing that many people never come to. :)

    I praise where you are. I am not even going to say courage cause it implies something truly scary when the truth is it’s something wonderful.

    Jon…i love your perspective in that it broadens mine so much more…….you are more then right in what you wrote and thank you for sharing it.
    :) Morgan

    2. jon on December 15th, 2007 at 4:22 am

  3. morgan, it’s jay… first, thanks for hitting me back with the email. but damn, you almost made me speechless with this. mad talent…

    this piece of poetry was, damn, see, speechless. we should DEFINITELY talk more often and share poems, but lemme comment…

    i say and agree with you, just be yourself cause at the end, that’s all you can be. though, i wouldn’t necessarily hold past misfortunes against this new guy, because if he is the one, you don’t want to lose him from past events. my girlfriend was the same way and i understood what she went through and let her know that i was willing to take all that and SHOW her that i am not going to be a misfortune that came back from her past.

    and i know i just met you officially, just the other day, but your words… wow… see, speechless lol

    Jay
    DatMoney.com
    DatCurious.com


    Thanks Jay…

    I appreciate your support and encouragement….sorry to leave you speechless lol…but this is just me being me…honestly, openly and without and resistance to who I truly want to be!

    3. Jay on December 13th, 2007 at 9:10 pm

  4. Hey Morgan, missed you and missed being here too. You’re right about love being an opportunity. As with all opportunities you have to weight out the pros and cons. However, based on your where you want to go in your life, I’d say it’s a great opportunity to take.

    This experience will definitely add another layer to your life and I’m looking forward to see how it unfolds in your blog :)

    4. Rolando on December 12th, 2007 at 3:21 pm

  5. Hi Morgan, sounds like you have a lot going on in your mind and in your heart. The beginning of a relationship, if you are calling it that at this point, is one of the most exciting times.

    You have a lot of good questions and I hope you find the answers. Just as you have deduced your own life experiences, I’m sure you can carry that in your relationship this this guy.

    I’m sure those questions will be answered over time if you let your heart answer them and your ears block the noise of your past. Everyone deserves a chances and deserves love.

    It’s not easy taking a chance, but it’s not love if you don’t either. Trust yourself.

    Rolando my friend how I miss you so much! I was actually just thinking of you this morning so what a nice surprise it was to see that you had visited. You are so right in trusting myself, trusting my heart…it never lies…I just never truly listened to it. All in all I am approaching the whole situation as another opportunity for me to be more of who i want to be…more of who I am at my core…a being centered in the principle of love.
    Miss you buddy… :)

    5. Rolando on December 12th, 2007 at 12:59 am

  6. Lotsa courage mighty,

    Good for you!

    Your flower smelling pals in Dubai,

    Jim & Em.

    Hey Jim and Em…Thanks for stopping by to take a sniff at my flowers :)

    6. GO! Smell the flower on December 11th, 2007 at 3:05 pm

  7. “So WHAT……..

    I would rather be me and know that I did my best to show up for life and the opportunities it presented to me then to wander in the regrets of “What if” for the rest of my life. I would rather relish in the comfort and strength of knowing that no matter what happens in this life…..

    …..I had the courage to be me.”

    aah these words they are pure magic, they gime so much inspiration and strength , they empower me with the feeling that I can achieve anything in life, Thanks as always for Inspiring me Mighty and I wish that you will find the one that deserves you. :)

    Thanks Ashwin….
    I have come to believe that having the courage to be exactly who we are is one of the most profound aspects of this existence……..and being exactly who we are is the sweetest sense of self expression and freedom we can give ourselves…glad to have been able to spread a little inspiration your way…hope I never run dry in that department! :)

    7. ashwin on December 10th, 2007 at 4:00 pm

  8. Courage…. something I could use a little of in the meet somebody new department.

    Hi Morgan ;)

    A big hug to you Denny and I know that you are an amazing person with the capacity to give so much love to another….can’t wait till you finally meet the lucky lady that you can share your abundance of love and courage with!@

    8. denny on December 9th, 2007 at 12:16 pm

  9. Live, love, breath mama…you got it.

    Thanks hope….in the end love is all there really is and all we want to experience in every facet of our lives!

    9. Hope on December 8th, 2007 at 8:19 pm

  10. I wish I could say something Hemmingway, but I am who I am. I’m no Shakespeare either. All I can tell is to be yourself. I felt the same way too when I met my beloved wife. Thought the way you’re thinking now. I got more what if than I could handle.

    Back then I was more vulnerable. What do you think will happen should she rejected me?

    I just be myself with a little help of my friends. I know I can do it, but I cannot do it alone.

    Take care my friend. Everythings gonna be alright. Leave it to God. He knows what to do.

    Greetings and lotta loves from Malaysia.

    Hey Noor…
    Thanks for the words of wisdom from Malaysia…for me the old songs were playing in the background of my mind for a bit…I’m sure you know the tunes…
    “What happens if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
    “What if i’m not good enough?”
    “What if I’m damage goods”
    “What if (Fill in the blank)”
    At this point I have allowed the feelings and insecurities to pass….it was uncomfortable, but freeing as well. Somedays the past kicks up and tries to manifest itself in the present and it takes a conscious effort not to permit it from occuring, but at the moment ….”This too HAS passed.”

    10. ArahMan7 on December 8th, 2007 at 3:23 am

  11. A good post. I used to have the same fears about not being good enough, but lately I’ve been more concerned of the man not being good enough. This doesn’t mean I’m picky, it just means that I’m concerned he won’t fit into my life and that I have to give up too much of who I am to make it work. I have developed habits through the years and I don’t want to give up some of them. When I meet a single man around here, (which is a rarity in itself, the majority of men my age around here are married) the first thing I notice is how he lives his life, if he’s got hobbies and things he can do when I don’t have time with him. Unfortunately that hasn’t been the case yet.

    I’m on the same page with you Susie…..I can easily settle for someone but made a decision some time ago that a person has to qualify to my standards or there won’t be a chance at anything occurring….it took time close to two years…but so far he is in one word…AMAZING.

    11. Susie on December 7th, 2007 at 5:57 pm

  12. Hi Morgan,

    Now if you don’t take chances you can’t have regrets, and sometimes the chances pay off…..you’ have more courage, grit and determination than most……so go on, live life and have FUN.
    There are no guarantees, but without putting your feet in the waters and testing the temperature, you never find out :)

    the link love train is headed your way :)
    http://grottynosh.wordpress.com/2007/12/07/get-aboard-the-linky-love-train/

    Hugs my friend

    Thanks Colin….For the moment the apprehension and fear of the fear of the unknown has passed……I allowed the feelings of past failures past and now I am happy to say that the only thing within my mind is the sweet silence of knowing that no matter what WHO I am is and always will be good enough and will be okay…no matter what.

    12. Colin on December 7th, 2007 at 4:13 pm

  13. That’s the Morgan I know!!

    You are right, and this may be that one special man for you. Life does not come with guarantees, and it certainly contains no “do overs”. Finding that match to another human is rare, so take your heart for a ride.
    You have the unique experience of knowing what character traits are wrong for you. The future will tell you which way to turn. Today, drive ahead and forget about traffic.

    Question: What makes your stomach weak, fills your mind with happiness, and makes you want to jump out of bed every morning?

    Answer: Love Bug

    I see you were at Eric’s poetry corner… funny things pop out of my head in the morning. They say you can’t be silly ALL of the time. Most of the time is best :-)

    Speedy

    Thanks Speedy…You are so right in what you wrote….sometimes the feelings make you want to just RUN…but I’m tired of letting the fear of the unknown keep me from experiencing what i have the right to experience in this life…btw loved your “poetry corner” you do have a very special way with words and it’s nice to see the side of you that compliments the silly side so well!
    Be well my friend!

    13. Eric "Speedcat Hollydale" on December 6th, 2007 at 11:35 am

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