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Signing Off

As of late I have not been writing as much as I used to. The words don’t seem to flow from within the way that they used to and rather than try to force something upon the page I have been just allowing myself to go with the flow waiting for the time when my inspiration will return.

I believe much of it is due to the fact that everything in my life at the moment is very balanced and good. I tend to be able to reach the deepest when I am going through some sort of struggle and lately there has been no struggle what so ever.

In fact there has been nothing but good all around me.

I have decided that I will be taking some time off for the next few weeks, allowing myself to concentrate on some other areas of creativity that I have neglected through the course of my writing. But I do have some news that I would like to share before I sign off.

I’m going to be a Mommy.

See you all when I get back!!!!!!

Blast from the past

I’ll be signing off for a few weeks but thought I would share a favorite with you all…

______________________________The Process of Becoming________________________________

Everyday I sit on a bench surrounded by this great big trimmed hedge in my mothers garden, sipping my coffee and slowly introducing myself to the new day. I love to sit and feel the Sun’s gentle morning kiss upon my face as the sweet, milky flavor of the coffee rolls on my tongue. I take as much time as necessary allowing myself to fully absorb the beauty all around me as I search out every color of the rainbow in the garden….

The red that explodes on the petals of the impatients.
The orange tinge outlining the edges of the sunflowers.
The yellow of tall wild yarrow.
The green of the leaves that sway in the wind.
The blue of the bright morning sky.
The violet that peeks out of the lavender bushes that perfumes the air.

As of late, each new day presents another lost color, another wilted stem and the reality of winters fast approach, as mother nature begin preparing for her last dance of color in her magnificent display of the autumn season.

The bees that buzz around, fight over the last of the flowers that adorn that garden. Covered in pollen they covet this precious commodity, knowing full well this is the end of the supply till the next spring makes it’s grand entrance.

The Butterflies….they dance.

Flower to flower.
Tree to tree.
Leaf to leaf.

Wherever the next breeze guides them.

A vibrant display of the grand design of the universe, delicately painted upon their wings as they playfully, float and flutter in the wind. A carefree lesson of life is what I feel as I watch them waltzing through the air. Their fragile beauty, a potent source of strength for my inner spirit as I embrace the wonder and awe they present to me.

Their time as butterflies is short and the process that leads them to themselves is one of absolute transformation.

They don’t begin this life as the beautiful exquisite creatures they are…they begin as something else. A little spot on a leaf is how their life begins, from here they emerge as little worms: caterpillars munching away at the life source around them. They grow by shedding layers of skin, different layers of their existence, until at one point this skin, becomes the home for their next transformation.

Even today it is not know fully how a butterfly comes about. Housed within a shell of itself…..it completely liquefies, then slowly reorganizes itself, transforming into the delicate, dancing delight that floats about.

As of late I feel such a connection with these butterflies I see gliding before me. They show me, without words…the power of transformation. The power of releasing myself of what I was..the power of allowing myself and my beliefs to liquefy in the here and now…the power of permitting myself to become more then I can conceive.

Who I am, who I was and who I want to be are all part of the same.

Each contributes to the other, melting away and yielding as they they liquefying. No longer separate beliefs, ideas or experiences…but all parts of the whole of who I am.

The butterfly isn’t a new creature, it always is the same caterpillar it began this life with. It carries with it always, the parts of itself it has shed. All the pieces and every experience becomes the catalyst for it’s transformation. Without it’s past contributing to it’s future self…..it would be impossible for it to be what it is.

An expression of choice, freedom, awareness and total self-acceptance of every aspect of its being….

Dancing in the wind, it flutters gently around the very edge of my consciousness. It’s beauty a delicate reminder of who I really am. A way for me to recognize the truth of the opportunity I have in each moment to embrace all the aspect of myself in a silent surrender of healing to become the absolute and magnificent creatures I am.

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If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage

A New Begining

Today is the three year mark of the day that I stopped using any type of mind or mood altering substance. At the time I had no idea of the importance that this particular day would have in relation to the way my life would begin to unfold from that point on.

When I first got clean…

I was homeless.
I was jobless.
I was hopelessly lost within myself.
I was desperate for another way.

I was painfully aware that all I though I knew about life and living amounted to the very sad and pathetic circumstances of my life at the time. But still, I was willing to go to any lengths to discover if there was anything more to this life then the very limited conditions I had already experienced.

I discovered that there was more then I could even conceive of at the time.

What I have come to understand through the course of my recovery process that through my addiction I lost the very essence of who I was.

I settled for a life not worth living.
I forgot I ever had dreams.
I lived only for the next one.
I laid down and went to sleep and never woke up.

And then one day it happened, the one day when I woke up and saw myself and my life for what it was and knew down to the depths of my being; I deserved more than I was giving myself.

I became willing to change.
I became willing to begin again.

More often than not the thought of having to begin again is a frightening one, even if the circumstances and situations that surround one are unpleasant. It is almost human nature to resist the inevitable change that must occur in order to change the dynamics of any given moment in order to discover something new.

I began again and build a new life, one that opened a path before me that led me step by step back through the past to find myself in the present moment. A path that has allowed me to begin again without the baggage of the past being dragged with me through each and every day.

I was a hopeless junkie living in desperation….and today that is not my story.

The conditions of my life at the time were minimal, I was living in a sober house, I was on welfare, I had no job, I had no responsibilities except to focus on myself and start redefining the way that I thought. I had no outside distractions, anything I once had was stripped from me and I was left with me and only me. It was then that I realized that through the course of my addiction I had been doing whatever possible to avoid  myself.

I could no longer do that.

I came to realize that I probably had many more years of living to do and I had better start learning how to deal with myself, because I would be stuck with me for the rest of my life.

It became time to begin to learn who I was, by examining who I was not.

This was the beginning of the woman I am today…

A woman of integrity.
A woman of courage.
A woman of strength.
A woman of compassion.

A messenger of hope to each and every other person lost on the paths of their own life.

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If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage


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